This is a bit of a quick lunchtime rant, so I apologise if it lacks finesse (it does).
I just phoned a PR chap. It was the second time we’d spoken, ever. I won’t go into why, but suffice to say that some requests he’s made over the past week have doubled the workload involved in a particular task, and it’s been passed to me to sort out. The phonecall today was to make sure he was on track for the deadline I set yesterday. In short, he’s on the back foot, I’ve been efficient and more than decent, and now we need to wrap it up.
But then he did a thing.
It went a bit like this:
Me: “Hi, it’s Cathy, we spoke yesterday.”
Him: “Oh hi, yes, thanks for sending that through, I’m going to look through it at lunchtime and get it back to you early afternoon.”
Me: “Super. Because I’m working elsewhere for the rest of the week, so I do need to see it off today.”
Him: “Yep, definitely.”
[So up until now, I'm in charge.]
Me: “Great, speak to you later.”
Him: “Thanks honey.” [phone down]
And with those two magical words, he’s put himself back in charge.
Thanks honey? Sorry, did I just bake you a FUCKING MUFFIN? Do you know me? Did I pick you up a pint of milk, or compliment your hair? I did not. I phoned you to remind you that I need you to do a certain thing, by a certain time.
But the thing that amazed me was the incredible potency of those two small words. By sneaking them in just before the phone hit the cradle, he changed the power balance of the whole conversation. Ending on a “thanks honey” transformed both our roles: with the “thanks”, he implies that I’ve just done something he asked me to do, and with the “honey”, he makes it personal and affectionate. Suddenly, I’m doing him some kind of menial personal favour and he’s letting me. In fact, he’s patronising me.
I’ve heard other people, particularly women, complaining about endearments before. I understand that they can be annoying, but they’ve not bothered me personally. If the greengrocer calls me “luv”, no problem. If a love interest calls me something sweet, I might even like it. And my friends and I call one another all kinds of sickly things. In a professional context, however, it’s clearly inappropriate.
But until half an hour ago, I’d never realised how much you could elevate your position, albeit temporarily and cosmetically, with just one or two strategically placed words.
On a completely unrelated subject, I’m really looking forward to receiving that copy.
Update
This post, which I dashed off in all of 10 minutes, has attracted more attention than any of the ones I’ve spent hours poring over, and now I wish I’d put a little more consideration into writing it.
As seems to happen whenever anyone mentions the gender word (and I didn’t even, look!), I’ve had quite a few “calm down dear” responses. Also, my having mentioned a greengrocer has earned me suggestions of class snobbery.
So, three things that I perhaps should have included or done differently:
- Shockingly, this was not the first time I have ever been addressed as “honey”, “luv”, “babes” etc. It is, however, the first time I’ve written about it. To those who feel I took unnecessary offence, when in fact the poor man concerned was just being friendly, or perhaps confusing me with his lovely wife, you’ll just have to trust me on this one. Or not, as you wish. The conversation was nothing if not a power struggle – an editor and a PR manager thrashing out how a document should look, each with their own agenda? Come on. To slip that “thanks honey” in so smoothly half a second before I hung up was genius, and we both knew it.
- As for class snobbery, I was probably unwise to write “greengrocer” there. If, like Cher, I could turn back time, maybe I’d replace that bit with “if a person, regardless of job title, gender or indeed colour, in an informal situation that involves no conflict or power struggle, calls me ‘luv’, no problem”. Okay? It was an example, hunnies. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to charge some proles down with my horse, before they steal all the potatoes again.
- If you’re someone who already calls me honey, you can keep calling me honey. I’m not going home and sticking pins in an effigy of you, don’t worry.
i’m with you on the inappropriate remark, but you might want to think about cutting the guy some slack as it could have been an accident. Last week I walked out of my CEO’s office (65 year old male) and said “thanks, chick” over my shoulder as I left. In my defence I had spoken with my daughter just minutes before and it is something she likes being called:)
Comment by Rich Sturgess — June 12, 2012 @ 12:26 pm |
Hahaha! Oh that’s gorgeous! Did he blow you a kiss?
Comment by substuff — June 12, 2012 @ 12:28 pm |
no he didn’t, but i have now realised he is a bit deaf so i always address him as “chick” or “darling” just for fun, the rest of my team love it. I got away with “sweetie” yesterday:)
Comment by Rich Sturgess — June 12, 2012 @ 12:33 pm |
A dangerous game… maybe he’s just pretending not to hear and storing up his feelings. Can I come to the Christmas party, with my camera, just in case?
Comment by substuff — June 12, 2012 @ 12:34 pm |
Uuuuugh. This is one of few phenomena that will cause me to break through my usual fear of confrontation and have a word with the offender. One of my students (male, 10+ years older) called me “darlin’” on the first day of class and I said something to him about it–privately and with maximum polite diplomacy, chalking the whole thing up to “appropriate professional interaction” rather than “my raging feminism.” In his case it was more of a reflex than a deliberate power play (which in some ways is worse) but he was so startled at having been confronted that I imagine he hasn’t called a woman “darlin’” since.
Comment by Laura — June 12, 2012 @ 12:35 pm |
Good for you (and him, I expect)! I hope that if I was calling someone a name that bothered them, reflex or not, they’d tell me.
Comment by substuff — June 12, 2012 @ 3:37 pm |
“If the greengrocer calls me “luv”, no problem…. In a professional context, however, it’s clearly inappropriate.”
Isn’t there’s an inconsistency here? Your visit to the greengrocer is, from their perspective, ‘professional’ so by suggesting it’s OK in that setting you’re almost implying the power balance in that interaction is so heavily tilted in your favour already that the remark is of little confidence? There’s almost an implicit class judgement there.
I’m sure that wasn’t your intent but just an observation…
Comment by Liam Murray — June 12, 2012 @ 12:56 pm |
Sorry – should have read “remark is of little consequence”!
Off all the blogs to screw up on…..
Comment by Liam Murray — June 12, 2012 @ 12:57 pm |
Really? Hmm. Perhaps it’s more a case of formal and informal, and the presence of obligation, than whether one or both parties are at work.
I’m not sure that there’s any power balance to worry about when I’m talking to the greengrocer – I just want what he’s got, and he wants to give it to me (oo-er missus etc), so we’re equal.
But if we hadn’t met and were for some reason conducting a late-running broccoli transaction over the phone, one that was basically his fault and was having a direct impact on my own workload, and then he told me “thanks luv”… yup, see above.
Comment by substuff — June 12, 2012 @ 1:08 pm |
Phone-based “late-running broccoli transactions” are always hazardous on many levels, agreed.
I know the whole thing has an extra – and potentially ugly / threatening – dimension when it’s ‘man to woman’ but it’s not reserved to those interactions. I work for one of the big four banks and see it all the time in office life, particularly in the middle-to-senior management layer. The one I particularly loathe is the condescending “well done” or “good job” – the sub-text being ‘I’m sufficiently senior that you’ll value feedback from me, even unsolicited’.
Comment by Liam Murray — June 12, 2012 @ 1:17 pm |
If you speak to him again, call him sweetie pie
Comment by kosmicklown — June 12, 2012 @ 1:45 pm |
I’m thinking there are a few inferiority complexes around here, and people should not be looking for a hidden context or power play in any of these situations – it more often than not is probably a figure of speech or a force of habit, nothing else. Let’s see what hornet nest I have kicked then…..
Comment by Rich Sturgess — June 12, 2012 @ 1:52 pm |
But we’re all, to a point, responsible for what we say and how it makes others feel. A slip of the tongue, as with your “chick”, is one thing. Expecting everyone to be OK with whatever you choose to call them is another thing altogether. If I were into calling all my friends and family “mucker”, and then got into trouble with my boss for doing it to clients, I don’t think force of habit would be an acceptable excuse.
Comment by substuff — June 12, 2012 @ 2:04 pm |
I’ve been called honey, mate, sweetheart etc. in all walks of life and by both genders.
One person’s unprofessional is another’s unstuffy and pleasant; what one person finds patronising wouldn’t even register with another.
If it bothers you enough to tell him, tell him. Otherwise, let it be.
(And saying that it’s OK for the greengrocer to call you ‘luv’ smacks of class snobbery. It’s still a professional interaction, so what’s the difference?)
Comment by Samuel Palin (@samuelpalin) — June 12, 2012 @ 1:56 pm |
Re. class snobbery, please see my reply to Liam above. It certainly wasn’t my intention.
Comment by substuff — June 12, 2012 @ 2:18 pm |
I would have had the exactly same reaction as you. It’s possible that it was just a slip on his part, he momentarily forgot who he was talking to. But I suppose you’ll find that out soon enough whether it was a power play. If it was, then I’d have a hard time not ripping him a new one.
Comment by Madame Weebles — June 12, 2012 @ 2:36 pm |
Pingback: Cathy Relf, a British publishing industry employee who blogs at Rantings of a Sub-Editor, just posted an entertaining rant about a work phone call that ended with “thanks, honey.” [...]
Pingback by Cathy Relf Rant: Don’t Call Me Honey, Honey — June 12, 2012 @ 6:05 pm |
And did he send the copy through on time I wonder? I can guess the answer.
Comment by Philip Gray — June 12, 2012 @ 6:19 pm |
Pingback: I recently came across this fabulous rant from the blog Rantings of a Sub-Editor. In it Cathy Relf, the author, discusses a phone call [...]
Pingback by Are Terms Of Endearment Ever Ok At Work? « Mrs. Professionalism — June 12, 2012 @ 8:20 pm |
Passed this around the subs desk and we are all horrified members of the subbing sisterhood. And attaching a class issue to an interaction with a greengrocer (clearly a more informal environment than an office – unless it’s your habit to pick up your carrots and potatoes wearing a suit)… am I the only one who thinks that is a pretty unsavoury criticism?
Comment by legalsub — June 14, 2012 @ 4:21 pm |
Hehe, thanks sub-sisters! The class-issue criticisms came as quite a shock, but I should have foreseen them and explained myself better. I guess I’m guilty here of assuming that people will magically know my values – exactly the kind of thing a sub should never assume!
Comment by substuff — June 15, 2012 @ 3:26 pm |
I’d just like to point out that Cher cannot, in fact, turn back time. In her 1989 hit “If I could turn back time”, she clearly laments that it’s very much a power she wishes to posses – not one that she already has.
This must be the case because clearly if she did have the ability to turn back time, she might have re-shot the video in an outfit that wasn’t made of cheese cloth and gaffer tape.
Comment by Jake — June 28, 2012 @ 8:43 pm |
Sod the greengrocers. When they put their apostrophe house in order then we can deal with issues of their status.
Comment by The Daily News (@TheDailyNewsUK) — July 4, 2012 @ 6:27 pm |
True. Bastard’s.
Comment by substuff — July 9, 2012 @ 1:18 pm |
Excellent post and very true. If you had said “taxi driver” instead of “greengrocer” you might have had fewer classist accusations, maybe not. I don’t think you were being classist, but since I now think that classist might not be a word having written it three times and had to go and check because of word blindness (and even then it still looks dubious) I don’t think you are someone who looks down upon greengrocers either.
“Sorry, did I just bake you a FUCKING MUFFIN?” almost caused me to redecorate my laptop with Frascati. I have found the posts I don’t spend ages polishing are the ones I prefer, I have a backlog of posts in my drafts folder that stare at me, waiting for their transformation to published.
PS Posting on a sub-editor’s blog after a glass or three of wine is grammatically stressful. That apostrophe is staring at me even though I think it should be there.
Comment by Random Writer — July 6, 2012 @ 12:53 am |
Aww, thanks. And hammered grammar is the best grammar.
Comment by substuff — July 9, 2012 @ 1:22 pm |
Term of friendly endearment or sexist put-down? The trouble is it depends on the context, which is something that is hard to get across, and the intention of the speaker, which is sometimes difficult to know.
Having moved to Australia from the UK, I was lambasted by an English female friend after I told her I was now dating “an Aussie chick”. Whether you think that is fair or not, (the lambasting that is), the reason I used that phrase is because that is how the person in question would describe herself. By using her own words, am I then guilty of sexism as accused? Or am I simply using the local argot? And the woman I described as “chick”, is a lawyer – not a profession one usually associates with a lack of self esteem…
Comment by Lee Stone — September 19, 2012 @ 6:00 am |